Capitaan dildo arrescate!
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
