I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
