Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
