I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
