well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
