i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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