Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
