Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
