Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
