I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
