1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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