shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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