I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
