I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sext me about skeletons
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
