I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can't turn off my feet"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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