This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
