I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
