wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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