Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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