I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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