I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm at about main and main street
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
