So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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