Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
