Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
