halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
