I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
