SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I met the friendliest cop last night
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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