Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
