So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize