i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize