I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
