He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize