We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
