Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I think my moral compass just broke
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