God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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