I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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