I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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