I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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