we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
