Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
