last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
They took my balls.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
