I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
