His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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