Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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