I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
