whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
