you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Semen is not good for contacts.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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