Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
