Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
