you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
