she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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