my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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