I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
