Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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