I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
