DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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