maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
