Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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