I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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