got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
