This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
