Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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