You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
